Facebook (and social media in general) are destructive to the soul

You have to delete.  Deleting ex-boyfriends/whatevers/etc. is the only way to save your precious little soul from being attacked by relentless, unexpected tidbits of information that storm into your consciousness through the “internets.”  The bastards.

For example, you’re having a perfectly happy Friday…like a really wonderful, sun-shiney, doing no work, happy Friday.  It’s the kind of day, where worries aren’t something you can fathom and your most pressing concern is what kind of delicious treat you will have for lunch.  It’s THAT kind of luscious happiness.

Then since you aren’t really doing any work, you decide to login to facebook.  (This seems innocent enough.)  You read your emails, read everyone’s latest status updates, peruse some random photos of people you don’t know, then suddenly you can an itch.  (This is where things go wrong.)  You quietly ask yourself…I wonder what such-and-such ex is up to?  Involuntarily, your curiosity transports you to their page.  Within seconds, you are staring at the casual flirtations of some lovely new face that you have never seen before.  (This is where your day gets ruined.)

Who is this trick?  When did she show up?  Is her body as cute as her face or is this some deceptive photography?  There is only way to answer these questions.  Google.  (Damn you, google, damn you.)

So I googled.  She’s a [insert really awesome job that makes me jealous], she’s a recent addition to his life, and she’s really adorable.  A “this sucks” feeling stabs me repeatedly.  I allow myself to wallow in the fact that she’s probably effortlessly wonderful at all the things I suck at…she probably never has chipped nail polish and always has expertly applied makeup, she probably has a really clean bedroom, and can’t stand to miss a work out, she’s probably always on time, and can’t wait to get married, she probably doesn’t google/facebook stalk, she’s probably perfect and wonderful and charming…whoa.  Deep breath.  Punch self in face.  Come back to reality.

Who cares about her?  I’m pretty bad-ass myself.  So what if I can never keep my nails perfectly polished?  I’m pretty damn cute and I have great hair.  I’m not thin and I hate the gym, but I’ve lost ten pounds this month.  My room is a mess, but it’s filled with adorable dresses.  My job is amazing and every single day I get to help people and change the world (it’s a very small piece of the world…but it’s mine) and someday it will reward me handsomely.    Did I mention that I have fabulous hair?  I also have a PINK frickin cruiser bike, and I’m super witty.

So…no tears for me, no wallowing, no feeling like just because I’m not a size 2 that I’m not good enough…and no letting anyone make me feel bad about myself (especially me – preventing abuse starts at home, after all).   You know what this calls for???  Oh yeah, I’m going there…

Subject: You’re a Douchebag (DCD Trick of the Week)

Dear DC Douchebag,

Email subject lines are for the general subject of the email – they are NOT for the actual text of your email.  For example, the following is a flagrant abuse of the subject line:

Now, I know this doesn’t seem like such a terrible crime (and in the grand scheme of your DCD tricks – it’s pretty low).  However, it’s a flag – a big red, DCD, waving flag that the recipient of said email is warned…they are walking in DCD territory – be alert.

This email says several special things about you, my little DCD friend:

1. You are lazy
2. You think you’re too important to send actual proper emails with a REAL subject, greeting, message, and closing (not that tricky, I promise)
3. You don’t think your potential companion is important enough to even bother with an actual full email – you didn’t even write “hey” in the subject line.  C’mon boys, it’s three extra frickin letters and a tap on the return key.  (Your potential date is TOTALLY worth a tap on the return key).
4. If this is how little effort you’re putting in at the beginning of the “relationship” – sweet Christ – imagine how terrible you will be when you actually feel comfortable!!!

So, buck up – take five extra seconds and write an actual email…OR…and I know this is going to sound crazy, but stick with me.  Why don’t you just CALL the girl???  She’ll appreciate it and you’ll avoid this doucher mistake.

Love always – your guide to living a douchebag-free life,

fanfrickingtastic

Waiting to want

Most of my friends in relationships want and are waiting to get engaged (and/or recently have gotten engaged – so excited for all of you). But for me, I am waiting to WANT to get engaged. Granted this is probably the result of calling off two engagements, and then promptly having my heart broken by a guy that I would have married in a heartbeat. So now, I’ve just lost all motivation for the sport, and I am content to be contractually bound to myself (and several credit card/student loan companies) only.

In theory that is good…I won’t rush into anything.

In reality this is bad…I am totally going to be that old crazy aunt to all of my friend’s children. You know the “aunt” I’m talking about – she’s not actually a blood relative. She shows up to events with two bottles of wine (one for everyone else, one for herself). She gets drunk and starts talking about inappropriate subjects regardless of who can hear. She has a string of live-ins that you can remember only through nicknames (“the one that never had a job”, “the one who is going to leave his wife,” etc.). She offers to watch your children but you fear they would end up watching her – and they would likely never fully recover from the experience. That’s going to be me.

Looking forward to it. I am available to babysit anytime.

Lyrically speaking, this is…

Rubbish. Midnight Train to Georgia is absolute rubbish. Don’t get me wrong, I bop along and sing the tricky back up vocals like I am an original member of the Pips. HOWEVER, the catchy nature of this tune does not make up for its terrible message. Let’s dissect:

Verse 1:

L.A. proved too much for the man,
So he’s leavin’ the life he’s come to know,
He said he’s goin’ back to find
Ooh, what’s left of his world,
The world he left behind
Not so long ago

Synopsis:  Things got tough for some man, so he’s being a big time quitter and going back to what’s easy after hardly trying at all.

Verse 2:

He kept dreamin’
That someday he’d be a star.
But he sure found out the hard way
That dreams don’t always come true.
So he pawned all his hopes
and he even sold his old car
Bought a one way ticket
To the life he once knew,

Synopsis:  Shit didn’t go as plan, so he sold all his crap (aka he’s broke) and he’s moving 3,000 miles away from you.  Hope you don’t mind.

And after all that, Gladys Knight has the gall to sing:

He said he would
Be leavin
On that midnight train to Georgia, (Did he even consult you???)
And he’s goin’ back
To a simpler place and time.
And I’ll be with him
On that midnight train to Georgia, (I sure as hell hope he bought your ticket)
I’d rather live in his world
Than live without him in mine

What the f*ck, Gladys? You are a following broke man who gave up on his dreams and you (after like two weeks), and you’re going to move to Georgia with him??? Do you know how far away Georgia is from California? I’m sure things are all peachy keen on that 30 hour train ride, but what happens when you actually get to Georgia? What happens when “his dreams” don’t work out in Georgia either? Who is going to dry your tears when you find out he’s sneaking around with some two bit trick? Plus, is your life so sad that you had NOTHING else going on in LA that you can just drop it all to be with him? Pathetic. I am not a fan of this poor decision-making, Gladys, not a fan at all. How did the Pips even let you get away with this business?

Of course, I also believe that you should live without regret and that “what the hell” is almost always the best policy, so who am I to judge?

(world, world)
(is his, his and hers alone)
(world is his)
(his and hers alone)
(all aboard)
(one world)
(her man, his girl)
Ive got to go

Commitment-phobe’s Guide to “I love you”

I need baby steps. Itty, bitty, tiny baby relationship steps. A crushed heart will do that to you. It’s like an added bonus of the break up…”Here’s your heart crushed into bite-size pieces (already chewed for easy digestion) and here’s six additional pieces of baggage for your next relationship.” Oh the joys of love!

So here is the easy 20-step fanfrickingtastic guide from commitment-phobe to “I love you” fest of schmoopiness (Note: this guide will also be helpful for those who too easily and too quickly say, “I love you” when what they actually mean is, “I might someday maybe feel like I could possibly feel something close to loving you.”):

Step 1: Cold, indifference

Step 2: I don’t dislike you

Step 3: I’m surprised I don’t dislike you.

Step 4: Weird…I kind of like you. I guess.

Step 5: I like you.

Step 6: I’m surprised I still like you.

Step 7: Wow. I mean, I really surprised that I still like you.

Step 8: I like (plus) you. [Just a half step above like.]

Step 9: I can’t believe I said that I like (plus) you.

Step 10: I heart you. [Inner freak out. Did I just say that I heart you??? Retreat!]

Step 11: I mispoke, I heart (minus) you.

Step 12: I heart you. [This time it's fo shizzle.]

Step 13: I like (minus) you. [Inevitable freak out over heartiness.]

Step 14: Return to step 8, try process again.

Step 15: I really heart you.

Step 16: I think I might be falling for you.

Step 17: I heart you. [Return to safety zone]

Step 18: I might kind of love (minus) you.

Step 19: Crap, I am falling for you.

Step 20: I love you.

This is a perfect system as long as you use it while keeping the following additional rules in mind…

• The male partner should always be a step or two ahead cause they tend to fall fast in the beginning (if you are ahead of them IMMEDIATELY return to Step 1 and stay there for a WHILE).
• Never take more than one step in a date. (Don’t get all smart on me here…a date is defined as our normal understanding of a date and also as any period of time in which you spend more hours of the day together than not.   So, if he stays over until the next day the original date is still in play. If you are separated for only a couple of hours the original date is still in play. No tricky business here…these are baby steps for a reason.)
• Never skip steps.  Never, never skip steps…when in doubt repeat earlier steps sporadically. That will keep your precious heart in check.
• Don’t forget to have fun!