Sugar Daddy Purchasing Power

After searching high and low for a little slice of heaven in the sky, aka a new apartment, the search has ended.  McNasty, the landlord, decided that maybe we aren’t terrible heathens after all.  Actually, he decided that he could tolerate three of us living here (in our same old apartment) for an additional fee.  (Ding, ding, ding)  Just more proof that every “no” is only an excruciatingly painful price tag away from a yes.

So apparently having money means you never have to hear no.  Is this why rich people are so damn smug?  Does that explain this face?

and this face?

and this???

If these fools somehow “purchase” this election (cause there is no way they will get it on the up and up), then I am going straight out and finding me a sweet, sugar daddy.  I am tired of hearing no, and I, too, would like to be vice president of the United States.  Step 1:  seek and destroy sugar daddy, Step 2:  seek and destroy all that right is with the world, Step 3:  purchase $150,000 wardrobe (vaguely promise to donate some scraps to charity), Step 4:  Take over the world.

Let’s hope Obama wins or I will be selling my eggs, plasma, and soul to the highest bidder (Sugar Daddies apply within).  See you at the polls!

Apparently “we” can get pretty damn dumb

“How dumb can we [women] get?” is the question Charlotte Allen attempts to answer in this Sunday’s Washington Post.  Sadly, instead of writing an answer about stupidity, she embodies it. 

Dear Miss Allen,

It’s not stupid to feel so passionate over a political candidate that you can’t resist the urge to yell out for them in support.  It’s not stupid to pass out at a rally, because you waited all day in a packed standing room only auditorium to learn about a candidate that may soon be the leader of our country.  It’s not stupid to be a ground breaker and have set backs.  

It is stupid, however, to generalize and degrade women.  It’s stupid to mock those who are constructively participating in the political process; it’s stupid to get your facts wrong; AND it’s plain criminal as a woman to make misleading statements, which you know to be false, to shut down other women.  In theory, it’s also stupid to make nonsensical arguments with random facts (but that’s just me being nitpicky).       

Though you may detest certain stereotypical aspects of femininity, your arguments miss the point.  It doesn’t matter that half of Grey’s Anatomy story lines are about relationships, or that Hillary showed emotion while campaigning, or that the author of “Eat, Pray, Love” divorced her “perfectly okay” husband.  The point is that no one questions that there are female surgeons prominently featured on tv (not to mention that those female surgeons rival their male counterparts in ability and sexual partners – get it, ladies!).  The point is the author of “Eat, Pray, Love” chose to leave her husband, because “perfectly okay” wasn’t good enough (contrary to all stereotypical views of how a woman should behave).  The point is there is a female running for President!  Quit undermining our collective voice with petty attacks. 

Women should not have to conform to a man’s opinion of what a woman should be anymore than they should conform to your opinion.  The beauty of feminism is our ability to embrace it, reject it, and even define it for ourselves. 

So if you love romantic cryfest movies, go see Atonement fifteen times in the theatre.  If you’re an Obama lover, fawn, swoon, and pass out then VOTE!  If you love pink, hell deck yourself out from pink beret all the way down to hot pink, patent leather stilettos.  It’s not stupid to be who you are, and Miss Allen, if all of those things are aggravating to you, then don’t do them.  It’s your choice.  That’s the glory. 

I appreciate your opinion.  However, I sincerely hope that next time you use your voice to empower women instead of tearing them down.  You were born with a vagina, may as well embrace the damn thing. 

DCD Enemy #1: Chris Matthews

It’s easy for women to hate on other women. To be blunt, it really comes quite naturally. Some of my recent conversations can clearly reflect this:

• “Yeah, I totally hate her.” “Why?” “She’s a four-foot tall troll.  Oh, and she smokes.”
• “So I knew he was married, but…”
• “It’s not my fault his girlfriend looks like a farm animal.”

Humorous at the time? Very. However, at some point we have to realize that in our rush to hate on each other we are missing out on the chance to direct our crazy, maniacal anger at someone who truly deserves it. So ladies, without further adieu, I give you DCD Enemy #1 – the stunningly dicktastic Chris Matthews.From Daily Kos:

Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be pages

Most of the male pages are pretty adorable. They look like they are eleven in their ill-fitting, disshelved navy sports coats, ties, and gray slacks. And really only the to-catch-a-predator types would see them as anything more than slave labor children. However, then there are the girls:

• Most of them look and act 16 going on 21
• They are dressed in the congressional version of the catholic school girl uniform (navy blazers, ties, and short grey skirts…with the occasional knee socks. Shame on all of you DCD-wannabes that just pictured that with appreciation)
• They are slave labor to whichever dirty old man representative wants to boss them about, and
• Best of all, Mommy and Daddy are 2000 miles away.

So parents, do yourself a favor…if you want your kid to work, get them a job at Burger King. At least at BK, they can get a cheap burger and fries with their harrassment. At Rayburn, they have to pay at least $7.50 for that meal.

Slow News Day On The Hill: The Cafeteria

Politico dedicated prime internet real estate to the new House of Representatives gourmet cafeteria menu AND it was one of the most popular stories! Did nothing else happen today?! Truth be told, I can understand the excitement, the new cafeteria menu is fabulous. Blackberries for breakfast, salmon for lunch – nutritious and delicious, thanks Nanc! However, better than all that yumminess is the following quote from an enraged repiglican:

One House Republican aide lobbed attacks at the Democrats over e-mail.

“I really don’t like Nanny Nancy telling me what I can and cannot eat for lunch. If I want to eat unhealthy, I should have that choice!” the aide fumed.

Well, lookie lookie, now repig wants to have the choice. Imagine that. Choice. Let’s strike a deal. I won’t complain about how you’re overburdening our health care system with your desire for deep fried finger foods (which I’ll give you are delicious) in exchange for you keeping your grubby grease stained fingers off my right to choose. Keep fighting the good fight!

The very definition of “fucking yourself”:

Huckster on how the bible justifies the death penalty:

“Interestingly enough, if there was ever an occasion for someone to have argued aginst the death penalty, I think Jesus could have done so on the cross and said, ‘This is an unjust punishment and I deserve clemency.’ “

Be afraid, be very afraid. Life is pretty bad right now with Dubya being guided by his “faith,” but Dubya’s never actually read the bible. At least, not the parts that had words. The Huckster is a whole new breed of crazy. He’s got a fully, functional brain that he didn’t waste on crack and whiskey. DANGER, Will Robinson, DANGER.

By Huckie’s logic, I am about to lose all of my rights cause Jesus forgot to mention me in the bible. The last time I checked, Jesus didn’t bestow any rights to a woman to choose….so sorry gals, tough break. If Mary Magdelene got stuck with her unwanted child, you’re getting stuck with yours too.

Gays? People with AIDs? You’re still out. Better luck next election.
Wal-mart you’re still in. Jesus never specifically banned exploiting workers, discriminating against women, offering subpar benefits, and poor wages in order to offer househould goods, food, guns, cigarettes, and cds (but not those containing explicit lyrics – heaven forbid!) at slashed prices.

Naked Factor

So I’ve come to grips with the fact that I am going to die from cancer or some kind of beauty product-induced toxic shock. Life prettily goes on…now, back to more pressing issues, naked politicians.

Zoo Magazine in Australia ran a poll, where 1200 voters picked which of the prime minister candidates they would prefer to see naked. The editor of Zoo Magazine, stated that “no one wants a prime minister who doesn’t look good naked.” Which naturally leads to the question, do Americans elect Presidents based on the naked factor? You bet your shallow American ass they do.

1992: Naked wins

 

1996: Naked wins, again.

 

2000: Naked gets punked.

 

The theory seems to get blown out of the water in 2000, however perhaps America had a rare clairvoyant moment:

 

Let’s call this one a toss up.

 

2004: Smarmy and stupid, but still the better naked choice wins

 

 

This is bad news for the following Democratic Presidential hopefuls: Christopher Dodd (cause your white hair and black eyebrows are creepy), Mike Gravel (eek! Sag city ain’t pretty), Dennis Kucinich (even your rumored tripod status isn’t enough to elevate you to the heights of the other competition), Bill Richardson (I want to pinch your dimpled cheeks, but I sure as hell don’t want a face full of your dimpled ass)

Naked Runnerups: Joe Biden (silver fox extraordinaire ~ I’m guessing I’m the only one who feels this way. Step, haters, 60 is sexy), Barack (you made it into People in your swim trunks, so that should get you something), Hil (as the lone female, I’m guessing a majority of men would pick seeing you naked over an assortment of old ass wrinkled balls)

The Dem Weiner: Mr. John Delicious Edwards

I would go through the Republicans, but honestly there is no need. Mitt. (Lucky for us, Mitt’s naked index means nothing in the face of Americans’ fear of mormons.) According to the naked factor, any other Republican candidate would be a landslide win for the Dems.

I know we’ve had a couple of bad default years, voters…but it’s time to bring sexy back and vote on the only factor we really care about in America.