Disgruntled in DC

Dear Roomies,

I am sorry if my incessant coughing is keeping you up.  It sure as shit is keeping me awake and watching bad British comedies at 2:30am.  This is COMPLETELY unnecessary.  I adore sleep.  In fact, last night I got nearly 15 hours of sleep due to the wonders of Robitussin…glori-f*cking-ous.   Tonight, assuming that sleep settles in asap, I will be looking at no more than four hours of sleep.  Do you know how poorly I am going to have to treat my coworkers and the lovely constituents of my boss’ district because of this???  It will be a blood massacre (and that’s not good for business).

So, please accept my sincere apology and please join in my letter to nyquil.  I have attached it for your reference.

Lots of love,

Your favorite coughing (and out of Robitussin) roomie, fanrickingtastic

Dear Nyquil,

You Mother F’ers.  If I remember correctly, you are the “the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so you can rest and have a good morning medicine,” are you not???  Is that supposed to be ironic?  Because I am nighttime coughing, sniffling, and pissed off, and your meds are doing nothing.  How is this possible?  Nyquil is practically a date rape drug with it’s sedative qualities, but here I am wide-eyed and COUGHING at 2:30am.

I demand a refund for this injustice.  Tomorrow night is NYE and I need my beauty rest so that I can be a sparkly little dancing queen.  SO not only do you owe me a refund, but you also owe reparations for the good time I am now NOT going to have tomorrow because I will be tired and very likely STILL coughing.  Please send a check and some Robitussin to the lovely ladies of Euclid St. immediately.

Kthnxbai,

Fanfrickingtastic and the lovely roomie duo, Mariffany

This one is for you

I was an obnoxious child. The kind of obnoxious, where you wonder why the parents don’t beat it out of the kid. At least that’s what I thought as my mother tortured me with home videos this weekend, and I was forced to endure hours of my whiney, bratty childhood self. On the obnoxious front, some things don’t change. I still have my shining moments. However, the difference between now and then is that now I understand how deeply words can stab.   I regret the years where I didn’t know this painful lesson, and I apologize to the one I hurt most.

Dear Godfather,

You left seventeen years ago, but I still think of you everyday. I wish that you could have lived for a just a few more years. You could have seen this changed world and known that you weren’t alone in your pain. I wish I wouldn’t have been so young and blind to your suffering. But I hope you can hear me now…

I hope my vicious, thoughtless words didn’t make you leave…I didn’t understand them, let alone mean them.

I hope you felt the love that I was too childish to express.

I hope our family’s version of right and wrong no longer burdens your soul.  You were right.

I hope you are the star that you always wanted to be (and always were in my eyes).

I hope you can finally see your own beauty.

I hope you know the magical love that escaped you on earth.

When you left, part of me died with you. But at the same time, I know it’s because of you that I won’t settle for anything less than the amazing love you always dreamed of. Being loved and loving wholly is a gift that I promise not to take for granted. When I finally find that kind of love and he gets me to settle down (I swear I’ll go through with it when it’s right), we’ll dance at our wedding (at sunset on the beach in a land far, far away) to your favorite song.

Do you remember that beauty pageant my mom made me do when I was in second grade? During the interview portion of the pageant, I was asked, “Who is your favorite person?” I looked out into the audience and felt overwhelming panic. My mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, etc. were all in the audience. How could I possibly pick one person and not hurt everyone else?  [I was also a very narcissistic child]  So, what did I say? I said my cat. That’s right, I said my stupid cat…who by the way is NOT a person. Well, I lied. I hated that cat. You were my favorite person. You always were and always will be.  So I hope you will please forgive any cruel words I spoke that may have made you think otherwise.

I love you best of all.

All my love forever,

Fanfrickingtastic