I am continually amazed at the level of douche this city produces. Though it is apparent that no man in the tri-”state” area is eligible dating material, I occasionally think DCDs are amusing friends. They always have amazing tales of debauchery and generally like to pay for things (plus, they are excellent material for the blog). Time and again, however, I am proved absolutely wrong. So DCDs let me help:
HOW TO BE A FRIEND IN 3 EASY STEPS
- Don’t try to sleep with me. I don’t want to sleep with you. We have established a friendship and I will never be hard pressed enough to want to dabble in your soon to be discovered disease-riddled past. Not when I’m drunk, not when I’m single, not when I’m in a relationship, not when I’m at work, not when I’m out, not when I stay in, not when you’re lonely, not when I’m lonely, not when my mom is in town, not when I’m sick, definitely not when you’re sick (gross), not when your girlfriend is on a business trip, not when pigs fly, hell freezes over, etc., etc. No.
- Every 20-30 minutes stop talking long enough to see whether I am still breathing. It can be hard work taking in all that hot air that you’re spewing out. Be kind, make sure I’m alive, and refresh my drink.
- When in doubt about my intentions toward you, see #1 and do #2 (especially the last part).
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