I need baby steps. Itty, bitty, tiny baby relationship steps. A crushed heart will do that to you. It’s like an added bonus of the break up…”Here’s your heart crushed into bite-size pieces (already chewed for easy digestion) and here’s six additional pieces of baggage for your next relationship.” Oh the joys of love!
So here is the easy 20-step fanfrickingtastic guide from commitment-phobe to “I love you” fest of schmoopiness (Note: this guide will also be helpful for those who too easily and too quickly say, “I love you” when what they actually mean is, “I might someday maybe feel like I could possibly feel something close to loving you.”):
Step 1: Cold, indifference
Step 2: I don’t dislike you
Step 3: I’m surprised I don’t dislike you.
Step 4: Weird…I kind of like you. I guess.
Step 5: I like you.
Step 6: I’m surprised I still like you.
Step 7: Wow. I mean, I really surprised that I still like you.
Step 8: I like (plus) you. [Just a half step above like.]
Step 9: I can’t believe I said that I like (plus) you.
Step 10: I heart you. [Inner freak out. Did I just say that I heart you??? Retreat!]
Step 11: I mispoke, I heart (minus) you.
Step 12: I heart you. [This time it's fo shizzle.]
Step 13: I like (minus) you. [Inevitable freak out over heartiness.]
Step 14: Return to step 8, try process again.
Step 15: I really heart you.
Step 16: I think I might be falling for you.
Step 17: I heart you. [Return to safety zone]
Step 18: I might kind of love (minus) you.
Step 19: Crap, I am falling for you.
Step 20: I love you.
This is a perfect system as long as you use it while keeping the following additional rules in mind…
- The male partner should always be a step or two ahead cause they tend to fall fast in the beginning (if you are ahead of them IMMEDIATELY return to Step 1 and stay there for a WHILE).
- Never take more than one step in a date. (Don’t get all smart on me here…a date is defined as our normal understanding of a date and also as any period of time in which you spend more hours of the day together than not. So, if he stays over until the next day the original date is still in play. If you are separated for only a couple of hours the original date is still in play. No tricky business here…these are baby steps for a reason.)
- Never skip steps. Never, never skip steps…when in doubt repeat earlier steps sporadically. That will keep your precious heart in check.
- Don’t forget to have fun!
21 responses so far ↓
Frank L // July 2, 2008 at 1:31 pm |
Ha! That is brilliant FFT! And it makes so much sense. The only thing its missing is critical points at which a guy could mess the whole thing up as in “Here are the most likely spots for a guy to completely pull the rug out from under you.”
Or is that very much the driving force between the steps anyway?
fanfrickingtastic // July 2, 2008 at 1:55 pm |
Every step past 3 has the potential for the guy to mess things up. That is why the sporadic shifting to lower steps is important…it keeps everything in check.
Confused // July 2, 2008 at 1:58 pm |
Wow, I love it! I think I might print it out and hang it on my wall. You’re my hero!
ifiweretina // July 2, 2008 at 2:15 pm |
This is perfect. I’m totally printing this out as a guide. I think I’m currently at step 13, and ready to fall down the chute back to step 8(or maybe 6).
I’m going to consider your blog as my personal life coach.
Lynda // July 2, 2008 at 4:22 pm |
Finally, a practical guide! I also love that this step-program does not include making amends. That would put the whole thing on indefinite hold. Is there a Nobel Prize for Helping commitmentphobes? I nominate you.
Diane // July 2, 2008 at 4:49 pm |
I love it and where was this when I was dating?!?:) A total practical guide to use while trying to traverse the male psyche of what to say when.
Nicely done!
imfb // July 3, 2008 at 3:03 am |
I have to quarrel with the whole “let the boy stay a step or two ahead.” As a rule I always let the girl take that lead, and won’t deviate. Esp. with the latter steps.
Lynda // July 3, 2008 at 5:02 am |
You ALWAYS let the other person be “ahead”, that way, you maintain “the hand.” So really, it’s a contest to stay behind.
Tera // July 3, 2008 at 5:30 am |
This should be written and handed down from generation to generation of women!
fanfrickingtastic // July 3, 2008 at 2:08 pm |
IMFB, I just said that you were in the man category (i.e. not the BOY category). Please don’t make me take that away. You already know that the girl is going to like you because you are fantastic for the first few months…then (in a past life) you would do the disappearing act. Why would you make the girl take the lead only so that you could disappear and make her feel like even more of an ass for trusting you? What’s your gf’s email address I’m sending her this step-by-step?
lol. all of these comments crack me up, we should have a big community blog on men.
I highly suggest using my blog as a cautionary tale rather than any kind of model. For example, I fall down the step ladder almost everyday. Like yesterday, I was feeling pretty high on the ladder with Fuede (we’ve been inching our way up). Then I got us lost in heavy traffic, made him go to a bar that was crappy, and lost my id for a while (so i couldn’t even drink). He was silently pissy about these events (how dare he be silently pissy!!!
I know I messed up the night, but at least we should be able to have fun when the night is all jacked up…but no), so I silently dropped his ass down to like(minus), which isn’t even on the scale. Two glasses of wine later at my favorite wine bar, I forgot about the like(minus) and he was climbing the ladder again. I think traffic is very bad for relationships and should be avoided at all costs.
I also think I should try being less crazy. It’s a daily struggle.
Favourite posts of the day « Oopsy… Was that me? // July 3, 2008 at 2:46 pm |
[...] FanFrickingtastic: Commitment-phobe’s Guide to “I love you” Awesome post. She’s my new hero
[...]
schmutzie // July 4, 2008 at 6:15 am |
You’re being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/07/five-star-friday-lucky-edition-13.html
RecoveringDCD // July 4, 2008 at 5:28 pm |
I had to post this. Your crowd would love this video. Hillarious!
This would be an LAD (Los Angeles Douche):
Perksofbeingme // July 4, 2008 at 7:00 pm |
This is awesome. I feel as if I should print it out, highlight where I am and give it to people (and I’ll give them a new one each time the status changes).
Rachel // July 8, 2008 at 3:21 pm |
love, love, love it. so true. if only more people would follow these rules… <3
freckledk // July 10, 2008 at 4:59 pm |
Wish I had read this years ago. Spot on.
Kimmers // July 13, 2008 at 10:18 pm |
This is fantastic… and a must for Girls Who are Dating Guys Who Might Possibly Take an Unbearably Long Time to Drop the “I Love You”.
adorablybitter // August 14, 2008 at 9:32 pm |
This one definitely gets printed out and hidden between my agenda.
Fearless // August 20, 2008 at 8:43 pm |
Uh oh…is it wrong to have sex at any point before Step 5?
Komadori // September 11, 2008 at 9:44 pm |
I’m the one who says it too fast..
…Tends to go from step 8 to 19… I’ll try to keep this baby handy. Tired of getting my heart broken.
miranda // October 14, 2008 at 2:06 pm |
this is great! i’m right there with you.